My Fears

The stew is in the making right now, on its second hour, and I am not sure if it’s the wine or the music, but I am feeling extremely vulnerable today. Vulnerability is not something I discuss often. Vulnerability is something I did not like to discuss with my therapist. I have decisions to make, and I am scared. At the same time, I am happy that my life is the way it is.

Few years ago I could not have imagined achieving the heights I have reached so far. Few years ago I was in a bad relationship that ate me up alive, not allowing the person I am to thrive and blossom. Sometimes I wonder though, was it the small box I was put in that made me want to get out and get to know me?

I am scared. I am leaving my brother, moving to a different state. Luckily, we will be in the same country, and already made plans for the holidays, but he won’t be home when I get off work. He won’t annoy me with his attention. He will not be there. I worry about him, his life, the people around him. It was hard getting used to him being around because we haven’t lived together in over 10 years. Now, we will be apart again. At the same time, he needs to learn some adult things, so this will be beneficial to him. I will be there to support. I hope he will be okay.

I feel like the minute I finally get used to something, it changes. Things change for the better but it is still hard.

I am telling the whole world how scared I am. That’s a first. I am a pretty strong and resilient lady, but I have been carrying some stress lately.

My art business!!! That took off unexpectedly. I sold many paintings! Strangers are keeping up with my art journey! I am so happy! And scared. The more time I invest in painting, the more scared I become. What if it won’t work? What if I put all this money towards it and it does not work? What if no one wants to buy my art? Then what? I don’t know. I can’t know.

I am excited for seasons. I lived in southern USA for the past decade and there are only two seasons, very hot in summer, and no snow in winter. I remember being a kid and when someone asked me what season was my favorite, I never knew what to say. I did not dislike certain seasons, therefore I did not know which ones I liked. It was because I liked something about every one of them. It’s the excitement of change coming. In summer it’s warm, swimming suit season, lakes, forests. Then fall comes. Yellow, red, orange leaves are so beautiful! Mushroom picking. Cool breeze and shorter days. Before you know, it starts snowing. Heavy clothes, boots, sleigh rides, sliding and falling on iced walk paths and roads. Just when you start to enjoy that a little, it all starts to melt. First flowers appear. Trees start to have small buds where leaves will grow. Repeat.

I miss the city. We will be a driving distance away from Chicago. I think that’s my favorite part of moving north. That city has something mysterious and beautiful about it.

I wish my country was near by. I wish there was the same comfort I feel when I’m there. There is something calming about my home country. Regardless of the city, the whole place is so comforting. My brain rests when I am there. Nothing upsets me when I visit home. I keep wanting to move back.

No grammar rules tonight. Just thoughts and feelings. Today has been difficult emotionally.



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